INDECISION 2004: Let's boil the presidential election down into a series of questions:

Did Bush earn a second term, or did he screw up enough that we ought to fire him?

Pros: Led us during a tough time, showed that he's a man of fierce resolve. Economy seems to be improving on a macro level. So far no blow jobs from interns, that we know of. Cons: Can't find the OFF switch on his fierce resolve. Not so big on gay people or science. Maybe not the world's best debater or public speaker.

Who's more capable of leading the United States right now, given the challenges we're facing?
Hmmm. How to answer that question? Maybe with more questions...

Who does the military trust more, A) the service-shirker or B) the flip-flopping, proud, anti-war veteran?

C. None of the above.

Who do our allies trust more?

Definitely Kerry.

Who do our enemies trust more?

Definitely Kerry. (Uh oh.)

Who do our enemies fear the most?

Gotta be the Crazy Cowboy.

Who's smarter?

Kerry.

Who's surrounded by smarter people?

Bush. (Or at least they look real smart next to him.)

Whose vice-presidential candidate most resembles a game-show host?

Kerry's.

Whose vice-presidential candidate most resembles Dr. Evil?

Bush's.

Whose daughters are hotter?

Bush's. (Although not nearly as hot as the Gore daughters.)

Whose wife seems like a bigger pain in the ass?

Kerry's.

Which candidate most resembles a horse?

Kerry.

Frankenstein?

Kerry.

Herman Munster?

Kerry?

Howdy Doody?

Bush.

Who would win in a fight?

Now that I'd like to see. In fact, I'd be willing to vote for whoever kicks the other guy's ass. I'm sure Kerry can windsurf faster than Bushie, but I think I might pick the Texan in a good old-fashioned ass-whooping contest. All he'd have to do is grab Kerrystein by the hair and sock him one in the dentures. Game over.