INSTEAD OF AN ELECTION: Maybe Kerry and Bush ought to compete in a kind of modified Decathlon for Democracy, consisting of the following:

Karaoke
Bush looks like the winner after a rousing version of the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira," complete with a surprise bass vocal appearance by Colin Powell on the "giddy-up-ah-oom-bop-ah-oom-bop-ah-mow-mow" section. Not to be outdone Kerry comes out in Celine Dion-drag and belts out that horrible song from TITANIC. Draw.

Texas Hold 'Em
Kerry panics when Bush goes all-in on a pair of deuces. He folds, then later tries to claim he didn't when discovers he had the better hand. Winner: Bush.

Greco-Roman Wrestling
See previous posting about how Bush grabs Kerrystein by his coiffure and then blasts his dentures. Winner: Bush.

Marathon
Despite a neon-blue lycra bodysuit and a hood to cover the 'do, Kerry can't reel in the seven-minute-mile president. He tries to draft behind Edward's mole, but his broad teeth continue to catch the wind. Cheney sticks his foot out as Kerry passes the halfway mark, sending the equine harrier toppling. Cheney then literally adds insult to injury by leaning over the prone Kerry and somberly intoning, "Fuck you, horsehead." Winner: Bush.

50-yd. Dash
Bush wins easily after Kerry stumbles on his own hair-do coming out of the blocks. Winner: Bush.

Scrabble
Bush loses when Kerry challenges "nucular." Bush later calls game elitist and scores points with NASCAR dads. Winner: Kerry.

Spelling Bee
See "Scrabble," above. Kerry in a one-round knockout. Winner: Kerry.

Quarters
Teetotaler Bush comes out of retirement to drink the Massachusetts senator under the table, despite the strong coaching he receives from his buddy Ted "The Quartermaster" Kennedy. Kerry proposes a "Name that Bordeaux" rematch, but Bush belches and demurs. Winner: Bush.

Street Racing
Kerry's solar-powered recumbent bike proves no match for Bush's nitrous-oxide injected drag-racer, a hot rod the president affectionately refers to as "Saddam's Suppository." Winner: Bush.

Golden Tee Golf
After Bush pulls Cheney aside to ask him "how'd they get all them little golfers in the box," the vice-president suffers a non-fatal fifth heart attack and the competition is suspended.