HEARTWARMING HOUND: I love this story.

FOOD FOR MY INNER HAWK: This is like something off a bad horror movie. An evil, cloaked villain making poetic pronouncements of impending doom. Well, here's hoping they can locate the man called "Azzam the American" and run a cruise missile straight up his rectum and out his mouth.

LILEKS 1, SULLIVAN 0: Good God, Lileks eviscerates Sullivan. Hat tip to Dave from just procrastinating for the pointer.

BETTER THAN TOSSING A COIN: Wise man Dave at just procrastinating points out a cool site that allows you to take a "where you stand in the issues" test and then determines who, by dint of your views, you ought to be voting for on November 2. Here are my results:

1. Your ideal theoretical candidate. (100%)
2. Bush, President George W. - Republican (69%)
3. Kerry, Senator John, MA - Democrat (63%)
4. Badnarik, Michael - Libertarian (40%)
5. Peroutka, Michael - Constitution Party (26%)
6. Cobb, David - Green Party (16%)
7. Nader, Ralph - Independent (16%)
8. Brown, Walt - Socialist Party (13%)

As you can see, according to this test I should be a bit confused. Kerry and Bush are not far apart for me. Interesting to see it like this.

You know, one of the amorphous and juvenile things driving me toward W. is the recklessness of many liberals in my life. Today two of my colleagues, both smart and kind people, were really enjoying the story about how some idiot tried to run down Katherine Harris. I was like, That's terrible. And they were like, Not from where we sit. And they didn't seem to be kidding at all.

Then there's all the hateful rhetoric and bumper stickers about Bush, painting him as somehow akin to Saddam or Adolf. There's the really mean idiots who start yelling at me when they hear I'm considering voting for Bush, as if I've somehow become less human before their eyes. There's the idiots like Whoopee Goldberg and Michael Moore and so many other grandstanding celebs who I just want to be quiet. There are so many Lefties I want to vote against I can barely see straight sometimes. I want to vote for kindness, for thoughtfulness, and for tough realism in the face of the real threat of global terror. Although I believe Bush is wrong when he wants to amend the Constitution to prevent same-sex unions, I believe Kerry is lying when he pretends to be some pious Catholic who wants to preserve marriage, kill terrorists, etc. I think Bush is wrong sometimes -- often, even -- but honest. I fear he's incompetent, which scares me. On the other hand I believe Kerry is also wrong sometimes, and dishonest. And I'm not so sure he's competent either. How anyone can see this as such a black/white choice is beyond me.

COLOR ME SPINELESS: So now that two of my intellectual touchstones have come out for Kerry...

Oy vey.

Andrew Sullivan halfheartedly endorses him here.

Crazy Chris Hitchens halfheartedly endorses him here.

Which leaves me with this emerging plan: Maybe I'm just gonna make up my mind, go into the voting booth, and not share my choice with anyone. My secret lever-pull. That way nobody's mad at me or thinks I'm an idiot. It's not the strong thing to do, but it could work...

YET ANOTHER OLDIE ANTES UP: Chicago's other rock scribe Jim Derogatis (who Jeremy and I also saw near the bathroom) adds his two cents re: R.E.M. Actually, it' s more like twenty cents. Pretty good writer, this Jim Dero, even though he can't help but punch his politics into everything he writes.

ANOTHER OLD GUY'S OPINION: Local music hack Greg Kot (who me and Jeremy happened to see on the way to the can) weighs in on last night's show. Mostly I agree with his idea that R.E.M. had no business being as good as they were last night.

BIG NIGHT OUT FOR OLD GUYS: Thanks to my great neighbor-pal Jeremy I had absolutely stellar seats for the R.E.M. show last night here in Chicago. Second row center, with no bouncer or barricade between us and the stage. It was a big night for a couple old guys like me and Jeremy, which culminated with him being pulled onstage by Stipe on accounta his "November 2" shirt. After that abysmal and boring Wilco show of a few weeks ago, it was nice to see a band that actually put on a show. Stipe sounded great, and he was tons of fun to watch. Here are some cameraphone snaps, below. (The beaming guy onstage that's not Stipe? That's Jeremy.)

THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS: Andrew Sullivan is my favorite political writer of our day. Here's why I'm having such a hard time making up my mind.

THE BRECK GIRL: John Edwards digs his hair. Unreal.

HOW-DO: Blippin' off to NY this morning and for the rest of the week. Quick run into LaGoo, then over to Midtown through Thursday. Lots of presentations and busy-ness, but am hoping to hit the health club nonetheless, write the odd blog entry, etc.

SMART PAL: My pal Kev at Two Pings made a really smart post in my COMMENTS, so I decided to rip it out of there and re-post it up here. Kev writes:

Pre-debate CW certainly sucked outloud, huh?

Pre-debate CW:

P1 - Clear Advantage Bush: wartime incumbent on foreign policy

P2 - Advantage Bush: more personable style

P3 - Advantage Kerry: positions poll better on domestic policy

Reality:

P1 - Kerry attacks and appears presidential; Bush appears tired and confused by his hard work

P2 - Kerry continues to attack, continues to appear presidential, but also affable; Bush appears to take it seriously, and stays on message

P3 - Kerry fades, still presidential, Bush has his game on.

All of which is interesting, but doesn't tell us jack about Nov 2, which will be all about turnout, who wins the ground game, and the final two week push. What attacks will Rove and Co launch? Will there be another October Surprise?

Well framed, buddy. As you note, it's fun to watch. If only it wasn't so important.

BUSH IN A LAUGHER: Wow. I'm startled. After sleepwalking through the first two debates George W. Bush woke up tonight, surgically removed FrankenKerry's ass from his body, and then served it to him in a stew. A massive Bush win. Again, I'm not saying anyone should base their votes on these debates, and remember I gave the first two to Kerry in grand fashion, but no way you'll convince me that Bush wasn't more believable, more persuasive, and more likeable on this night.

LOOKIT: My pal Dave at just procrastinating cites an interesting Slate article that sorta explains how come big-bucks guys like Soros are backing Kerry. In a phrase: Because they can.

READING ASSIGNMENT: My pal Isaac (or "Ike" as I alone call him) points out in COMMENTS that I oughta read the whole darn Kerry/NYTmag article wherein Kerry makes his "terrorists as nuisance" statement. Good point. No reason I shouldn't get the context, plus Ike thinks I'll get even more than that. So let's all read it and discuss it here, eh?

WAKING UP TO THIS AND THAT: Call me slow, but moments after I type my minor tribute to Christopher Reeve I find myself downstairs on the treadmill thinking, "Holy Cow, this could be a big factor in the election."

Sure enough they do a heartwarming/heart-rending TODAY segment on him, and I start to get mad. "Damnit, we need to do more and better stem cell research. Not just for Christopher Reeve, but for our friends with diabetes, with MS, with Alzheimer's."

Moments later they do a segment with Hamid Karzai where he thanks the U.S. for their free elections, for our steadfastness. "No way Kerry would have had the cojones to blast into Afghanistan with ground troops, to stay there and facilitate elections, to demonstrate to the rest of the world the power of democracy."

I jump in the car for a Starbuck's run and hear the Stern show kicking off with an audio montage of Bushisms, all manner of verbal blunders and evidence that the cat done took that guy's tongue years ago. What a big dunderhead!

Then I get an e-mail from a military buddy that says "don't believe what you read, this military is totally behind Bush."

Jesu, bambino! If Bush could just come to his senses on the stem-cell stuff, leave gay marriage alone, and grow a brain...

Ain't gonna happen.

So what I need is just a little more sense that Kerry is as hawkish on the war on terror, that HE GETS IT, than I have, especially after his funky little statement in the New York Times over the weekend. Yeah, I know his words are being ripped out of context, but still, he should know better. Somewhere in his heart he is not seeing the same grave threat I'm seeing. Maybe I'm wrong. But I'm definitely gonna be voting my heart...the one that has Christoper Reeve in it, our soldiers, the one that has its own war going on inside...

TEACHER: A moment of silence and respect for Christopher Reeve.

MID-DEBATE BLOGGING: Four years ago I remember saying something to my mom like, "I don't much care for Gore, but I think Bush is just too stupid to be president." Tonight I'm remembering that feeling. Another drubbing thus far, possibly worse than the first one. I'm now leaning farther Kerryward than ever before. I can buy a lot of what the Bush Machine puts out there, the patriotism and the fiscal conservatism. But what I'm really having trouble buying is Bush himself. I respect his post-9/11 leadership, his sacrifice, etc. I don't hate him as many people do. But I'm starting to feel sorry for him.

I'd like to vote against Whoopee Goldberg and Michael Moore and Ted Rall. But I don't know if I want to vote for George W. Bush anymore. I really don't know.

INSTEAD OF AN ELECTION: Maybe Kerry and Bush ought to compete in a kind of modified Decathlon for Democracy, consisting of the following:

Karaoke
Bush looks like the winner after a rousing version of the Oak Ridge Boys' "Elvira," complete with a surprise bass vocal appearance by Colin Powell on the "giddy-up-ah-oom-bop-ah-oom-bop-ah-mow-mow" section. Not to be outdone Kerry comes out in Celine Dion-drag and belts out that horrible song from TITANIC. Draw.

Texas Hold 'Em
Kerry panics when Bush goes all-in on a pair of deuces. He folds, then later tries to claim he didn't when discovers he had the better hand. Winner: Bush.

Greco-Roman Wrestling
See previous posting about how Bush grabs Kerrystein by his coiffure and then blasts his dentures. Winner: Bush.

Marathon
Despite a neon-blue lycra bodysuit and a hood to cover the 'do, Kerry can't reel in the seven-minute-mile president. He tries to draft behind Edward's mole, but his broad teeth continue to catch the wind. Cheney sticks his foot out as Kerry passes the halfway mark, sending the equine harrier toppling. Cheney then literally adds insult to injury by leaning over the prone Kerry and somberly intoning, "Fuck you, horsehead." Winner: Bush.

50-yd. Dash
Bush wins easily after Kerry stumbles on his own hair-do coming out of the blocks. Winner: Bush.

Scrabble
Bush loses when Kerry challenges "nucular." Bush later calls game elitist and scores points with NASCAR dads. Winner: Kerry.

Spelling Bee
See "Scrabble," above. Kerry in a one-round knockout. Winner: Kerry.

Quarters
Teetotaler Bush comes out of retirement to drink the Massachusetts senator under the table, despite the strong coaching he receives from his buddy Ted "The Quartermaster" Kennedy. Kerry proposes a "Name that Bordeaux" rematch, but Bush belches and demurs. Winner: Bush.

Street Racing
Kerry's solar-powered recumbent bike proves no match for Bush's nitrous-oxide injected drag-racer, a hot rod the president affectionately refers to as "Saddam's Suppository." Winner: Bush.

Golden Tee Golf
After Bush pulls Cheney aside to ask him "how'd they get all them little golfers in the box," the vice-president suffers a non-fatal fifth heart attack and the competition is suspended.

INDECISION 2004: Let's boil the presidential election down into a series of questions:

Did Bush earn a second term, or did he screw up enough that we ought to fire him?

Pros: Led us during a tough time, showed that he's a man of fierce resolve. Economy seems to be improving on a macro level. So far no blow jobs from interns, that we know of. Cons: Can't find the OFF switch on his fierce resolve. Not so big on gay people or science. Maybe not the world's best debater or public speaker.

Who's more capable of leading the United States right now, given the challenges we're facing?
Hmmm. How to answer that question? Maybe with more questions...

Who does the military trust more, A) the service-shirker or B) the flip-flopping, proud, anti-war veteran?

C. None of the above.

Who do our allies trust more?

Definitely Kerry.

Who do our enemies trust more?

Definitely Kerry. (Uh oh.)

Who do our enemies fear the most?

Gotta be the Crazy Cowboy.

Who's smarter?

Kerry.

Who's surrounded by smarter people?

Bush. (Or at least they look real smart next to him.)

Whose vice-presidential candidate most resembles a game-show host?

Kerry's.

Whose vice-presidential candidate most resembles Dr. Evil?

Bush's.

Whose daughters are hotter?

Bush's. (Although not nearly as hot as the Gore daughters.)

Whose wife seems like a bigger pain in the ass?

Kerry's.

Which candidate most resembles a horse?

Kerry.

Frankenstein?

Kerry.

Herman Munster?

Kerry?

Howdy Doody?

Bush.

Who would win in a fight?

Now that I'd like to see. In fact, I'd be willing to vote for whoever kicks the other guy's ass. I'm sure Kerry can windsurf faster than Bushie, but I think I might pick the Texan in a good old-fashioned ass-whooping contest. All he'd have to do is grab Kerrystein by the hair and sock him one in the dentures. Game over.

DEMOCRATS 2, REPUBLICANS O? So Andrew Sullivan says Edwards dominated Cheney big-time. Wow. Wish I would've seen it. Will be watching and reading more.

HILTON HOTEL FOXTROT: Missed the veep debate tonight, on accounta a pal had a ticket for me to see Wilco at Radio City, which happens to be two blocks away from my hotel. Turns out the debate was probably more entertaining.

What an overrated band. At one point, when the spotlights were shining in our eyes, my friend turned to me and said, "Not only are they unlistenable, they're unwatchable. All they need to do now is set off stinkbombs, and we'll all be forced to leave."

From the little snippets I've seen on CNN thus far, looks to me (and remember I conceded that Bush got his butt handed to him) like Cheney kicked Sajak's ass. But I'd love to hear what y'all thought...

'PIPHANY: I'm an early arrival in the O'Hare Red Carpet Club, gearing up for a morning flight to Newark. Hooray! Up at 4:30 AM. Oy vey!

I was thinking last night, if I spent all the time I should doing stuff -- an hour or so meditating, an hour or two exercising, an hour writing, time invested in slow and thoughtful meals, quality time for my spouse and son...oh, and work...

Well, I was thinking this sage thought: Ain't enough hours in the day. And somehow it felt mildly liberating to even think that thought, to realize it.

LOOK IN THE MIRROR: Steve Stone is arguably the best analyst in baseball. This year's Chicago Cubs are, inarguably, a bunch of whining chokers who should be mad at themselves instead of at him.

(Don't get me wrong, I still love my Cubs. I'm just mad at 'em.)