SEEMS LIKE A LOAD OF CRAP: Forcing Howard Stern off the air, rather than letting me choose whether or not to listen. Altering the Constitution to prevent citizens from fully pursuing their own life, liberty, and happiness. I smell the Republicans of old. I think GWB may have lost the election in the past 48 hours. At the very least my vote is in peril. I've gotta think about this. Is this as simple and ugly as it seems? Stern is a mess, a guilty pleasure at best and a sort of gateway drug to depravity at worst. Still, I listen and watch, at least until he offends me enough to send me away for a few days or weeks. And you know how I feel about same-sex marriage. I thought, as I moved rightward, I was choosing less government, more freedom. I thought I was choosing security. Did I think wrong?

COST WITHOUT BENEFIT: In response to my post saying Bush's support of a constitutional ban on same-sex marriage makes no sense to me, my dear friend Bart writes:

I think this follows a predictable Bush pattern which can be summarized as thus: wealth and the accumulation thereof is what drives the economy and therefore the strength of the nation. This is to be preserved despite any social, environmental, or other costs that may be incurred. This may be his actual conviction or he may have just recognized that policies that benefit the wealth-possessing status quo makes fundraising (and at least to some extent future electablity) much easier. People who possess wealth are better able to determine how to utilize their wealth than the government, therefore taxes and regulations should be as minimally intrusive as possible. Social society (for lack of a better term) on the other hand needs guidance and protection from those that would impose a more open set of social mores. When it comes to civl liberties of almost any type Bush has consistently come down against them: the PATRIOT act (I know, I know, it's a lefty bogyman, but nonetheless it does considerably reduce civil liberty), his support of government funded faith based initiatives, and certainly his support of the same-sex marriage amendment. While I certainly don't agree with his decision to support it it makes perfect sense to me as to why he would.

Bart, I hear you. But I just don't believe Bush & co. are as cynical as all that ("despite any social, environmental, or other costs that may be incurred"). Instead, I submit that Bush (and all leaders) have to weigh the costs associated with anything they propose, undertake, or allow. The answer, the line they all seek, is "reasonable" costs. Because there are costs associated with every path we choose, I'm sure you'll agree. So while I understand how Bush might think drilling in ANWR (which I oppose) is a reasonable cost when laid against the benefit of enhanced domestic oil production and reduced reliance on foreign suppliers; while I understand how Bush might think that some greater powers might be selectively appropriate for law enforcement in light of real terrorist threat/activity (at a real cost of civil liberties for some); and while I understand how Bush might feel that eliminating tax burdens on principle and in practice might cost some programs but free up greater dollars in the long run....I just don't see the same cost/benefit analysis when it comes to same-sex marriage. Amending the constitution to make same-sex marriages illegal...where's the benefit? The costs are great: alienating an entire population, not to mention a wide swath of sympathetic straight folks; making our republic more exclusive, less inclusive; creating a sort of tiered human rights menu in our country; etc.

Surely you'll concede that there are at least some real or at least perceived benefits associated with many of Bush's other decisions. In this particular instance, supporting a constitutional ban on gay marriage, the only benefit I can find is -- perhaps -- a political one with Bush's conservative base...or a divine one with Bush's imagined deity. What am I missing? Is that all this is, a vote grab or an attempt to curry heavenly favor? What's in it for the rest of us?

KIM JONG IS ONE ILL DUDE: We all know Kim Jong Il is a weird dude, but you gotta read what his personal chef has to say. Reads like a McSweeney's piece, but it's real.

NOTHING TO FEAR BUT OURSELVES? I don't have time right now to analyze Bush's support for a Constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriages. I want to believe there's a reason for his convictions other than what's in the Christian Bible. At this point, the most profound response I can come up with is: I don't understand. I sincerely hope we learn more about why he thinks we need to alter the Constitution...to protect ourselves from ourselves. Makes no sense to this blogger.

SEAL SITUP? A reader below asks, "What the hell is a Navy SEAL situp?" I'd reply using my comment feature, but it doesn't work for me. My posts just disapper into thin air. Hence, I'm replying here.

A Navy SEAL situp requires one to get into situp position -- laying on your back, knees bent. Your feet must be unsupported. Your hands are placed in "I Dream of Jeannie" crossed-arm position in front of your chest. Now, rise up to touch your elbows to your knees (or just above your knees, actually). Again, it's important that your feet are unsupported and your arms remain crossed. Come all the way up, then return all the way to the floor, no bouncing. Repeat. They're pretty tough. Way tougher than "crunches."

GEORGE W. DANGERFIELD: By way of Andrew Sullivan, I give you one of Bush's (or his writers') best lines in a long while:

"The other party's nomination battle is still playing out. The candidates are an interesting group with diverse opinions: for tax cuts and against them; for NAFTA [the North American Free Trade Agreement] and against NAFTA; for the Patriot Act and against the Patriot Act; in favor of liberating Iraq and opposed to it. And that's just one senator from Massachusetts."

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK. Somewhere about a year ago I was quite healthy. In fact, I could likely have made the statement "I'm in the best shape of my life" with a straight face. A year later is a different story. My weight isn't out of control (I'm still 195 lbs. on any given day), but the ratio of fat to fit isn't what it should be, so to speak.

Since this morning was the first day of the rest of my life, I popped out of bed and headed into work early. I hit the gym in our basement, did some treadmilling and light weight machine stuff. Now I'm spooning my way through some apple/cinnamon oatmeal and drinking some herb tea. Kicking dormant potential in the gut sure does feel good.

Why the renewed commitment? I have this friend, right, a pretty good guy, who's gone all fitness crazy. He's always e-mailing me about how many situps and pullups and pushups he can do, what his body fat percentage is today, and how he's looking forward to his next saloon scuffle. Anyhow, I got tired of reading all his self-congratulation while propping my elbows on my own gelatinous midsection.

The deal is this guy can do 32 Navy Seal situps (in under two minutes), 18 wide-grip pullups (without dropping down from the bar), and 78 pushups (in less than two minutes, without coming out of pushup position). That's pretty good, especially considering the guy was barely able to carry his own laptop bag a couple years ago. Thing is, I can't have him ahead of me. In fact, I can't have his physical prowess even in the same zip code as mine, so that's why I'm in training. My goal is to double each of his numbers inside a year. I think it's totally possible on every exercise except pullups. Come to think of it, my pullups goals will be 20. Ain't no way I'm gonna be able to do 36 friggin' pullups. Who do I think I am, Pat Tillman? But maybe that's stinkin' thinkin'. Maybe I should make my goal 30. I mean, it's not impossible. Right?

Last night I did 40 Navy Seal situps, just for good measure. So I'm ahead on at least one front. I'm still too weak from my little bout with death to try and take on his other marks. Okay, I'll admit, I did six pullups this morning and started craning my neck for a defibrillator. And pushups? Well, I think I'll get 80 first time out. We'll see. I'll report back in a few days. I'm sure the suspense is killin' ya.

I'D LIKE TO THANK... I can't seem to keep up the blogging momentum of late. First it was the new job, then it was vacation, and last week...well, I was visited with a biblical flu.

We have a tradition in my family that each family member contributes to an annual holiday letter at the end of the year. We all send in our many and varied epistles to my mother, and she compiles them into one big family letter. Over the years, the letter has almost become an Academy Awards for the Hess clan, where major accomplishments are variously recognized and celebrated in prose form.

Last week during the Days of Fever, my younger brother Casey and his wife Paula came over and took care of my son while I alternately shivered and sweated. Casey refreshed my cold washcloths and scored me a 2-liter bottle of Ginger Ale. He was aces. They stayed the night, even, and had to get up and deal with a major C.J. shitstorm before 6AM. Funny that, as I flopped in fevered reverie, all I could think of was:

"That's Christmas Letter-worthy."

SAW MYSELF IN A SNOW DRIFT: I'm just back from a family trip to Montreal and then up to Mont Tremblant, an icy-cold ski resort an hour-forty-five north of there. And I'm brimming over with stuff, like that I don't know if I really enjoy a winter sports vacation, because it's necessarily cold and it's necessarily strenuous, and that descibes most of my workaday winter life in Chicago as it is, and so what am I doing chasing more of the same? Life is busy and full and tough and freezing-ass cold RIGHT HERE, so it's not like I need to haul ass on and off planes and hurtle rental cars through snow and slush up and down mountains, not to mention put my own ass at risk on the slopes and the lifts. I spent a day indoors watching the Daytona 500 with my brother Eric, and that was a great day. And we had a hella good sushi dinner one night, although I understand our server was top notch at my end of the table and a real bitch at the other end.

I like sitting down with my brothers and their wives. It's like watching pieces of my parents' lives, with maybe less of the emotional involvement than what I had watching it as a kid. It's like being at a play I've seen before or maybe even co-wrote and yet I have no idea what comes next.

My wife is so strong. So strong. I am a genius for marrying her.

I spent the first day home with my son, took an extra vacation day so that my wife could fly off to San Francisco. Boy did we have a big day. Perhaps the highlight was when he was racing around Santullo's Pizza Parlor chanting, "Pizza, cookies, and pop!" I spoiled him, I did.

And as I'm flying home listening to New Order's "Regret" I realize this blog is the answer to a prayer and the embodiment of a dream and yet I'm giving it less attention than I give junk mail and late-night television.

MORE SNL ADDS: Dave at just procrastinating also makes a couple SNL suggestions I'm taking:

BEST SKITS
First Citiwide Change Bank. "We make change. That's what we do."

BEST PLAYERS
Eddie Murphy. He was the Will Ferrell of his day. When he appeared onscreen I'd smile in anticipation.

LOOK AT ME, I HAVE NO LIFE! My pal Dave at just procrastinating makes a nice post about a recent FAST COMPANY profile of some guy named Ram Charan. (He's also got a good little riff about THE APPRENTICE.) Basically the article seems to celebrate this guy's lack of a life outside his work. Anyway, it ticked me off, so I went a bit batty on Dave's comments pop-up. I wrote:

Geez, this kind of stuff bugs me, too, Dave. Seems like the bizpress is always lionizing some imbalanced jerkball who works too much, is mentally and/or physically unhealthy, is divorced, etc. Heck, it's not just the bizpress. We're always quick to make heroes out of rockers and actors who live to gross excess (sexually, drugs, etc.). Or we love the ones who've sniffed the edge, peered over the abyss, then after getting their ass handed to 'em in a handbasket, discovered that family time and clean living ain't so bad after all.

We never seem to latch onto folks who didn't create a career around depravity and excess, who maybe only meandered a bit in college or during some apprenticeship period, then righted the ship and worked at a lifelong, committed relationship, were thrifty and family-oriented, and nurtured their health. No, those guys bore us.

The real heroes of our culture are the men and women who dare to be ordinary, who refuse to be knocked off balance by our celebration of excess, and who simply go about their daily drudgery with love and compassion for those around them.

Anyway, I typed the above on the quick, without stopping, and I rather liked it. So I figgered I'd port it over here.

DEFINITION OF A BULLY: As if recklessly shooting a limo driver to death wasn't bad enough, now I read that Jayson Williams shot and killed his dog several years ago after the dog disappointed him in a bet. Is this a bad guy or what? Sure seems like it.

HAD ME THEN YOU LOST ME: Bush may well convince me to vote against him yet. What a dope. That said, I need somebody else to vote for. Oy vey, time to start doing my homework on Kerry. Are there any candidates out there who aren't afraid of gay people and boobies? If I were to run, that'd be my platform: I love gay people and boobies! I might not win, but I could probably beat Kucinich.

THIS IS THE YEAR: Just cruised past my pal Christian's great Chicago Cubs blog and noticed it's less than a week until pitchers and catchers report! Get Maddux in camp! We're gonna do it!

FILE UNDER IMPROBABLE: I really like the soundtrack to LOVE ACTUALLY. I grabbed it on my last visit to Universal (actually, the good folks there put it in my goodie bag), and I stuck it on this afternoon while doing some writing. And I'm on the second go-round and lovin' it. Who knew...

SNL ALSO: I'm sure I'm have a bazillion of these, but here's an add:

BEST SKITS
Bob Dole's Chair. The Real World with Norm McDonald as Bob Dole.

MY SNL LISTS: Several of you are kind enough to continue reading and to post regular comments. And believe it or not, I almost always respond to your comments. It's just that my comment functionality is so godawful-bad that my posts go into some sort of black hole somewhere. For all I know they're broadcast in Times Square whenever I enter them. I do know they never seem to appear where they're supposed to, within that crap box. Anyhoo...

A friend (sort of) posts below that Rob Schneider is never funny. At the same time, my brother Eric e-mails me a link to one of the funniest SNL sketches of all time. Which got me to thinkin' 'bout a few little SNL-related lists. (Before I post them, let me just say I continue to marvel at how bad most of what is broadcast each week on SNL is.) So here's my quick, off-the-cuff take on SNL bests and worsts:

(Note: As I assembled this, I noticed there are almost no "classic" characters or skits mentioned in my "favorites" lists. I hate to say it, but as I've watched old episodes on E!, I hardly ever laugh. I know, comedy has a shelf life. Maybe that's why. And sure, I've missed tons of stuff. Drop me an e-mail or a comment and tell me what to add. I'm especially remiss with Belushi highlights. Oh, and I'm remiss on lowlights, I'm sure, because who remembers the terrible stuff?)


BEST SKITS
Cowbell. Will Ferrell adds extra ding-a-ling to Blue Oyster Cult, with as Christopher Walken as legendary producer and cowbell-lover Bruce Dickinson. "I've got a fever, and the cowbell is my only prescription."
Carsenio. Rob Lowe does a spot-on Arsenio Hall.
Letterman. Norm McDonald apes Dave and finds himself forever banned from his show.
Schmitt's Gay. The best commercial spoof ever.
Canteen Boy goes camping. An underrated recurring character and the creepy genius of Alec Baldwin as the amorous scoutmaster.
Matt Foley plows through the table. Good writing and excellent physical comedy. Genius.
Aykroyd as Jimmy Carter. Talking down a guy on an acid trip. Dan's finest moment, except maybe for NEIGHBORS.


BEST RECURRING CHARACTERS

Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker (Farley)

Cheerleaders (Ferrell and O'Teri)

Wayne and Garth (Myers and Carvey)

The Compulsive Liar (Jon Lovitz)

The Noogie combo of Lisa and Todd (Radner and Murray)

Emily Litella (Radner -- "Never mind")


WORST RECURRING CHARACTERS

Horatio Sanz's and Jimmy Fallon's stoner, dorm-room recreation of Wayne's World.

Coneheads. Four words: Costume comedy is not funny.

That Jim Breuer Falconer thing.

Mango the monkey.


BEST PLAYERS

Will Ferrell. His presence in any skit -- any skit -- makes it at least watchable, at best classic.

Bill Murray. He doesn't have to move a muscle or utter a sentence to be funny.

Chris Farley. Fat guys are funny, and Farley was the funniest of them all.

Mike Myers. Can make lemonade out of piss.

Darrell Hammond. His dead-on impersonations take skits to another level.

Phil Hartman. The king of the straight men.


WORST PLAYERS

Joe Piscopo. We were laughing at him.

Jimmy Fallon. He laughs harder at his own jokes than anyone.


BEST GUEST HOSTS (excluding former cast members)

Alec Baldwin

Steve Martin

Rob Lowe (was he a cast member?)

Justin Timberlake


WORST GUEST HOSTS (excluding former cast members)

Michael Jordan

J. Lo

Goldie Hawn's annoying daughter

Tom Green


BEST WEEKEND UPDATE HOST

Norm McDonald

Tina Fey

Colin Quinn

Chevy Chase


WORST WEEKEND UPDATE HOST

Kevin Nealon

Dennis Miller

Chevy Chase


MOST UNDERRATED PLAYERS

Victoria Jackson

Cheri O'Teri


MOST OVERRATED PLAYERS

Lorne Michaels

Jimmy Fallon

Jim Belushi

Dennis Miller

Dan Aykroyd

Martin Short

FREAKY FRIDAY: My friend Derek Friday is crazy and he can't spell.

TOTAL DICK: One really rewarding thing is when you have a friend, and he has a blog, and sometimes you write posts that link to his blog, and then you even put a permanent link to his blog on your blog and then you look at his blog every day and you notice he never links back to your blog, ever. Oh, wait, that's a really sucky thing. Never mind. (Update: So the sad sack finally linked to me. Some people don't understand anything but public humiliation. Let that serve as a lesson to him, etc.)

POINTERPOURRI: Some stuff you should check out:

In defense of the flawed wonder that is Dr. Laura

Charlie Brown, existentialist

A preview of the 2004 NASCAR season

WHY WHY WHY: Why is this photo funny and this photo scandalous?

BULLET POINTS FROM THE BORING BOWL: Sure, I watched the Super Bowl. And boy was I bored. Even though it was a close game, even though I had some small change on the Patriots, my heart rate never crested 70 beats per minute. (And that was only when I strained to spread salsa on my nacho chips.) We got so bored my brother and I kept flipping over to the THE SURREAL LIFE, if only to observe the ingenious juxtaposition of Ron Jeremy and Tammy-Faye Bakker. Some observations, mostly from the halftime show:

Forget about Osama Bin Laden, I want Aerosmith at the top of our "Must Be Stopped At All Costs" list.

Say what you will about him, but Justin Timberlake is a genuine star.

Kid Rock is dangerously close to being completely over with. Still, I did get a kick out of the head-thrashing "Bawitdaba." He may be a one-trick pony, but it's a pretty good trick. He has a long life of county fairs ahead of him, if he plays his cards right.

P. Diddy can neither rap nor dance. The only person who has less of a claim on fame than he does is Paris Hilton. They should be together.

I for one rather enjoyed seeing Janet Jackson's breast, and anyone who tells you they found it offensive or that their children were somehow traumatized by the sight of it, well, they're goofy.

The commercials were abysmal. The only ones I liked were for the NFL, especially the one with Jerry Jones and Bill Parcells singing the ANNIE tune. Most of the commercials seemed to think they were funny, seemed to want to be funny...but simply were not funny. The AOL ads were pathetic examples of just plain missing the boat and landing ass-up in the water of mediocrity. I found myself poised to grin and then just left hanging. I rooted for the ads, and they did not deliver.