SET THE WHIMSICAL STALKER STRAIGHT: My blog-pal Mark at Whimsical Revolution is a celebrity stalker. But it's not like he stalks your usual uberbabes. No, Mark is not interested in Uma Thurman, Jewel, Britney Spears, or even Jenna Jameson. Instead, everyone's favorite Calvinist focuses on cyberstalking brainy babes, women he might sip an independent-coffee-shop latte with while discussing last night's Charlie Rose.
For his first victim, Mark selected Maureen Dowd, she of the liberal scribblings and the come-hither publicity shots. Alas, it did not go well, as Modo never even so much as acknowledged Mark's desperate quest for her affections. Sensing defeat, Mark declared his Dowd Campaign ended, and he asked his throngs of loyal readers to help him select a new stalkee. From our many stellar suggestions, Mark used his unique criteria (single, smart, and not too mainstream) to establish the following candidate list:
Former Chicagoan, forever linked with proto-radionerd Ira Glass, she of the terminally whiny voice and (Scottie) Pippenesque physiognomy. Overrated writer and commentarist who has somehow become the female David Sedaris. Okay, yeah, I like her. These grapes are indeed sour. But I have a secret (whoops) and simmering jealousy, an "I could have written that" vibe with a lot of her stuff, and I just can't shake it. So I suck. Bad me.
Auburn-haired alt-country and alterna-pop songstress; a real indie darling with the voice of an angel. Attractive and can really sing? Major bonus points.
Judeo-Christian memoirist, sort of Melissa Gilbert meets Elisabeth McGovern in the looks department. Definitely attractive, but how does she feel about drinking Schlitz from a can while listening to NASCAR on the radio. One wonders...
Chicago radio's Charlie Rose, albeit younger, less pretentious, female, and cute. I think I voted for her, although Jennifer nominated her.
Lead anchor for CNN's headline news. Wiry, perky, smart...but a little stiff. Plus eventually you'd have to go to Hotlanta to stalk her in person, and everybody knows Hotlanta sux.
SNL gal, solid Chicago roots, smart, funny. My #2 pick for Mark, after Helfrich.
Of late, Mark is leaning toward Ms. Vowell. I recently submitted a helpful comment, suggesting he might want to reconsider his choice given Ms. Vowell's perpetually whiny demeanor. As a ten-year marriage veteran, I submit that whining is a skill a wife (or girlfriend) should develop over time. Ms. Vowell, on the other hand, will start off day one at DefCon 7 on the whine-o-meter. This is not good.
Please get thee over to the Revolution and help our boy Mark see the light...before it's too late.
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