SHOCKER! Lindsay Lohan may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer.

I LIKE YOU. YOU LIKE ME? I've long been a fan of George Saunders. His CIVILWARLAND IN BAD DECLINE and PASTORALIA are two of my favorite works of fiction in recent memory. In the latest NEW YORKER, Saunders writes a bracing satire of the BORAT phenomenon, essentially reminding us that cruelty, real bitter searing cruelty is at the core of the film. Still, I can't help but wonder: Did Saunders reach this realization in the middle of a gut-wrenching, tear-inducing laugh convulsion, as I did?

A lot of funny is mean. Alas, a lot of mean is not funny. Where do you weigh in on BORAT?

Update: Here's critic extraordinaire Anthony Lane on BORAT. Nize.

THE ONE CAT I DO LIKE: I was Amazon-surfing last night -- and truth be told I find riding the recommendation engine around Amazon more entertaining than most TV shows and movies -- and I discovered that our pal Cat Stevens has a new record out, albeit under his Yusuf Islam moniker. Fine. Nice. (Hear Borat say it: "Nize!")

Oh yeah: I'm at the Four Seasons in Houston. Work. Not bad after a week with the family, riding in the car and sleeping in the same bed and pretty much wearing each other.

Anyway, the new Stevens/Islam stuff sounds pretty nice, and it inspired me to go iTunes-surfing through his back-catalog. Next thing you know I'm downloading TEA FOR THE TILLERMAN and TEASER AND THE FIRECAT and almost feeling like I've discovered a great new artist, it's been so long since I've heard this stuff. "But I Might Die Tonight." "On the Road to Find Out." "Miles from Nowhere." Just great stuff.

Wonder who I should rediscover next...

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO PLAY FOR HIM? Bob Knight has more apologists than any other major-league jerk I can think of. The question is not whether or not Knight was in the wrong when he smacked player Michael Prince in the jaw. Even Jay Bilas and Dick Vitale, while spinning as hard as they can in Knight's favor on ESPN, admit he probably shouldn't have put his hands on a player. In other words, he was wrong. The big story is whether or not Knight deserves discipline -- either from the NCAA, or from Texas Tech. My take: He deserves discipline from high school players, who should be smart enough not to go to school at Texas Tech and play for a guy who, although not criminal, is clearly a bully, an asshole, and a narcissist.

If you haven't seen the videotape of the incident, have a look. There's a key moment, and it's not what you think. It's not when Knight smacks Prince. It's not when Prince flexes his jaw, clearly feeling pain. Nope. It's when another nearby adult, likely a Texas Tech coach or trainer, sees the incident take place and clearly looks away in disgust. His look is nothing if not a "there he goes again" look. We all know who Bob Knight is by now, don't we?

BLOWIN' YOUR MIND AND YOUR BOOTY: Check out ol' Brooke Hogan (mentioned in the previous post) and her proud papa, the Hulkster. Can you freakin' imagine if this were your life? Hulk is your dad, and he's got you all tarted up as a hip-hop ho', all the while serving as your steroided-up carnival barker hype man? Lordy.

Like I said, girl's got a killer song, if you like the genre (pre-fab hip-hop). She do. And I do.

SHE'S A MAN, BABY! One of my habits as I drive around in rental cars in various cities is to find the local urban/dance station and crank it up real loud. Awwwwwww, yeah. You know how we do.

I'm not kidding.

Yesterday I heard what I thought was a great new urban/dance song, all over-the-top and dance-y and funny without meaning to be. I was totally digging it, right? So I listen closely, and I figure out it's probably called "About Us," on accounta the singer/rapper-girl says that phrase something like 73 times in the song.

Today I look the song up on iTunes, and holy shit: It's Brooke Hogan! The Hulkster's man-child daughter! Gnarly! I'm tellin' ya, the tune's actually pretty good. Granted, I can't bear to look at the girl for five seconds, but I'm way tempted to do some downloadin'.

I also grabbed me up some old Coolio and that newish Xtina Aguilera song.

FIRST-DRAFT AND ALL OVER THE BOARD: So yesterday I voted FOR our likely corrupt incumbent Dem governor, given that his opponent seemed slow-witted, equally corrupt, and just plain annoying. I voted AGAINST our incumbent Dem representative, just because of all the smug comments I've heard attributed to him, not to mention the fact that the guy keeps building bigger and bigger houses in our neighborhood as he earns his nominal salary as a public servant. (He won easily anyway.) I voted AGAINST the Dem running for Cook County Board president on little more than his father's name and corrupt legacy. (He won anyway, proving you can't beat the machine in Chicago.)

A little more about our congressman...the guy now lives in a roughly $1.5 to $2 million dollar home 'round the corner from us. His bootstrap story seems to preclude him coming from money. And yet he continues to be mentioned as owning significant real estate around our every gentrifying neighborhood, all the while complaining to a reliable fried of mine about all the "yuppies" moving in. Perhaps because he's Hispanic he thinks he's excluded from that category? Where is this guy getting all his big bucks, one wonders? He's not the only local politician who seems to have had unbelievable luck in real-estate "investments" over the years. (Not so long ago it was revealed that he was only paying a few hundred bucks a year in property taxes while the rest of us yuppies have been kicking in nearly $10K/year. Go figure.)

More randomness...

Don't really like anything I've seen of Pelosi. Talk about smug and self-important. Do like Barack Obama, thus far, so I hope his public presence continues to overwhelm hers, on the Dem side of the aisle. Not a Hastert fan either, so glad we'll see less of him.

Alright...time to for for a morning walk out here in Bellevue, WA. The sun is peaking through the fog, and there are more trees here than I've seen in ages.

MOVIE BLATHER: Just saw a really lame trailer for an upcoming movie, BLOOD DIAMOND. Dicaprio does one of the worst accents I've ever heard. Laughable. Reminds me of Steve Martin's attempt at THE PINK PANTHER.

Saw TALLADEGA NIGHTS on my flight. Unfortunately I ended up reading my magazine while glancing up every now and then, on accounta boredom. Pretty dumb, as expected. Still need to see LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. Everybody says that's a good one. Can't remember the last time I saw a good movie.

TIME TO STOP THE G.O.P. I read that Clinton (figures) is the only (or first) Dem smart enough to make the most compelling (and true) argument available:

The Republicans can't handle a natural disaster (Katrina), a war (Iraq), or a scandal (Foley and the pages). They're the gang that can't shoot straight.

Also, for the record, to my friends on the Left: You were right, I was wrong.

I still believe in the idea that, in a post 9/11 world, there's a strong case to be made for pre-emptive military action in a place like Iraq. That's what I thought the war was all about. Turns out I was largely sold a bill of goods by a cabal of incompetents. Was I warned? Indeed I was. But...well...fool me twice, don't get fooled again. Enough's more than enough. I'm ashamed of my vote in the last presidential election. Ashamed in retrospect, of course. I meant well. Still, I'm going to have a tough time buying the same brand of government for a while.

My priorities for the next presidential election: Competent defense, a pro-science stem cell research policy, fiscal sanity, and a more comprehensive approach to health care.

My priority for tomorrow? Send a message.

WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HEAVY, WRITE LIGHT VERSE: Sitting at Starbucks, procrastinating. Supposedly "off" work today, but full up with emails and editing and logistical crap. Prolly about to get a parking ticket, too. Oh, and then there's the back rehab, then pick-up from school, then nanny issues, then broken stuff that needs to be fixed so it can break again, etcetera. Thank God I have no real problems. My invented and exaggerated ones are more than I can bear sometimes. Ugh, bear. Bears. Ugh.

Responsible thing to do? Toss off some verse, of course:

MORE WATER MORE THIRSTY
So much time spent
dreaming of more
time. And for what?
To have more
time to dream
of more time?

POLICE ARREST NUDE MAN WITH CONCEALED WEAPON: I'm not one to link to and/or forward "weird news" articles very often, but this story is just too good.

MIDWESTERN MELANGE: Some recent action from the COMMENTS that you don't want to miss...

An anonymous reader writes:

How many years does it take a guy to lose loyalty to his hometown teams and jump on a Chicago bandwagon. You make it sound like you have lived in Chicago your whole life. You can take the boy out of Hamiltucky..but you can't take the Hamiltucky out of the boy.

Fri Nov 03, 12:11:59 PM CST

My response:

Dear Anonymous:

Bandwagon? Prepare to learn...

I was born in Chicago in 1966 and lived here until 1974 or so. I lived in Hamiltucky from 1974 until 1982 or thereabouts. I lived in the Detroit area from 1982 until about 1989 or so, albeit with my college years ('80 - to '84) spent near Hamiltucky. I returned to Chicago in 1989 and have lived here since. Hence:

Chicago - ~25 years
Hamiltucky - ~8 years
Detroit - ~7 years

My sports allegiances are something of a mixed bag between Chicago and Detroit:

Baseball - Cubs
Basketball - Pistons
Football - Bears
Hockey - Red Wings

These allegiances were born in the heart rather than the head and are hard to explain. They probably have more to do with my parents and friends and with the rise and fall of the various sports franchises than they do with actual time "served" in any given town.

Please be advised that I was also a rabid Big Red Machine rooter in the middle '70s and actually had the good fortune to see Game 5 of the World Series in 1975. I'm much more of a Reds fan than I am a Tigers fan, and I'm also way more of a Bengals fan than I am a Lions fan, for whatever reason. Also, I cheer for Michigan over Ohio State, since they have better uniforms, a better campus, smarter alums, and a better fight song than the Bucks...

Fri Nov 03, 12:35:13 PM CST

PAGING ART LINKLETTER: Before we had children, my wife and I had the good fortune of having two beautiful Airedale Terriers. Bruno, the elder of the two, passed away before C.J. (our oldest son) was born. And Vladi, the younger of the two, passed away shortly after Mikey (our youngest son) came on the scene. (To be honest, I'm not certain I have the timing right. But I am certain it doesn't matter to this story.)

Both our boys are well aware that they were preceded in the house by these two eighty-pound furballs, as they've seen pictures and heard stories about the two "boys" we had before them.

A few mornings ago, Eileen and C.J. set out on an early-morning grocery store run. As they pulled into a parking spot, two large Airedales bounded into the window of the car next to them, panting and smiling as only Airedales can. My wife, thrilled, said to my son, "Look, C.J., look!"

"Is that God's car?" he asked.

IT'S NOT CHEATING IF EVERYONE DOES IT? I hate open secrets like this one. (A major league bullpen coach says Kenny Rogers definitely had pine tar on his hand last night.) Makes me feel so naive.

Nonetheless a great piece of reporting my Jon Heyman. Well done!

EMBEARASSING: Have there ever been a study into how people feel when their favorite sports team is getting embarassed on national television? As my Bears are now down 17-0...as they've just coughed the ball up *again*...I literally feel ill. Sick to my stomach. Nauseous. Etcetera.

I mean, I have a headache, a tummy ache, and a soul ache. It's horrible. I wish I could turn it off.

Luckily, as a Cubs fan, I keep thinking they'll turn it around any minute.

C'mon D. Hold that line! Hold that line!

Meanwhile Kornheiser and Theismann are absolutely painful to listen to. Blah blah blah.

YOU SAY FOMENTING, I SAY FERMENTING: Somewhere below in the COMMENTS, some anonymous soul opines that this blog has been "fomenting" for a while. Fomenting?

Anyway, point taken. Message to Anonymous: So glad you care.

What's on my mind as I sit here watching my beloved Bears laying an egg on Monday Night Football? I loathe Tony Kornheiser. That's one thought. I loathe Joe Theismann. That's another thought. What's wrong with my Bears? Another. Lou Piniella? Another.

Anyway, I can't help but think the Bears are one big defensive play -- interception, fumble, safety -- away from regaining momentum and disemboweling these lowly desert birds.

To think, somebody actually missed this empty blather. Ah, well. I'll get better.

WHEN I HEAR THE MUSIC, I GOT A PLACE TO GO: Took a solo trip down to HOB last night to see one of my favorite bands, Rancid.

No ticket, and sold out to boot. Crap. Hadda shell out $45 to get in.

("Hey, who's the old guy over there leaning against the bar, nursing his Budweisers?")

Well worth it! Man, these guys have to be one of the most underrated live acts around. Every time I see 'em I have fun, but last night was special, essentially a greatest hits set that found the boys sounding great, playing with spirit, and leading a frenzied crowd in what amounted to a two-hour singalong. From the "Roots Radicals" opener through the "Ruby Soho" encore (which was preceded by a truly special acoustic version of "Fall Back Down," especially poignant on the fifth anniversary of 9/11), the crowd was on its feet and in full voice.

Tim Armstrong is still a magnetic presence onstage, and one wonders if/when we'll see him onscreen. Matt Freeman must be one of the best live bassists around -- maybe only Mike Watt can touch him, and Flea looks like a pussy next to Freeman.

A night that reminded me of how much fun live music can be. It's been a while!

ANOTHER DOUBLE-EDGED SWORD: Should I be proud or ashamed of myself...that I've clearly created another Cub fan? 

WHEN LOVE MEANS LETTING GO: Come election time, it's quite possible I'm going to be aligned with Christopher Buckley and six other conservatives, who feel that the best thing for the future of the conservative movement is "a session in the "time-out" chair."

Of course if it ends up McCain vs. Clinton...hell, anybody vs. Clinton...all bets are off.

SHAME ON THE TIMES: A SLATE article that agrees with me -- that the Duke "rape" case has been a crock from the get-go, and that the NYT is an aider and abetter of lies -- is here.